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I hate guys....Actually, I hate myself for thinking I have a shot with these great guys. I want a guy who says he wants me too, but he's never tried to come see me and I don't know that he ever will, but still I wait. I spend the night last night with the only guy here I've ever had feelings for, and today he tells me that last night was a mistake that "just happened" and he's sorry..he says i'm more of a friend than anything else. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of putting time and emotions into people and having it blow up in my face. I'm tired of thinking I'm actually worth it. I haven't been right yet....I feel so stupid
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If anyone can make me a better person you could All I got to say is I must have done something good I came along one day and you rearranged my life All I got to say is I must have done something right I must have done something right Maybe I'm just lucky ‘cause it's hard to believe I so feel like I'm losing right now, I don't like it.
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Oh so very happy =D And I have you to thank for it.... Thank You *Muwah*
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=( I don't know what to do anymore.If I'm not confused about one thing, I'm confused about another. And when I'm not confused at all, I'm stressed. When i'm not stressed,I'm heartbroken over missing someone. I don't know how to fix anything anymore. Or where to start. Or how to stop it. Sonny said it's a phase and he went through the same thing, so maybe it will pass. Most of it anyway. I just feel so stuck. I can't get to florida, I can't get him here. Being patient has been pretty easy for the most part due to "positive thinking" and "oh it will happen someday". Then there are days like today when all I want is to be with him or touch him and I can't...so i talk to him on the phone and then get all teary when I hang up cause good-bye always sucks :( Kat is telling me how she is miserable at school, it's not what she wants. She doesn't know what she wants from life right now and wants excitement...she doesnt want to be a nobody. I'm with her. We were talking about how much our parents live our lives for us, we just kind of take it. Last monday I was listening to my mom tell me how stupid I am for wanting to go to florida and how it won't happen. 5 minutes later she was telling me how she wants me to be happy. (still saying no to florida) Why aren't people more open minded towards what others want? I get that going to the other side of the country to meet a guy I met online sounds like a bad idea lol...but it's what I want. I want it, but I'm not going for it because other people say I shouldn't. How come we can all say"live for today" and "dont worry about what others think" but we hold ourselves back? I hate how I'm thinking of not going just to please everyone else. When is it my turn to be happy. Or break out and say "fuck it" to everyone and do what I want? Nobody does it. Nobody has a "fuck it" moment. We cater to work, school, parents...they're all excuses. Everyone should be happy.Everyone should break away. Everyone should travel 3000 miles for the one they want and care about more than anything. nobody does though.... |
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Today has been fun. We are not big on Easter so we didnt wake up to fun eggs and such lol. But since its amanda's last sunday here we decided to do a big dinner. And I'm doing it myself! That's right, the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes...all me. I even sliced the cranberry stuff that comes out of a can and assembled it all nice lol. I'm such a pain, when I cook, food has to look as good as it tastes. So it's all pretty!! The cranberries are accented with mint sprigs and it's so cute! lol Im excited to see how it comes out, I've never done a turkey or anything so I wil be really happy if it is yummy! I did the turkey diff. than my mom does, I rubbed it with Olive oil then covered it with thyme, rosemary, oregano, and sliced garlic and placed it in the meat. Theeennn I put fresh basil and garlic cloves inside of it and made a broth for it. It smells so good I hope it comes out well. I love cooking, it's fabulous. So our dinner should be done within the hour. Sonny is coming over too so it will be a nice little "final" get together. Anyway Happy Easter!!!!! |
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Today started out really well...then went downhill....then crashed and burned, then got stomped on and thrown in the trash....or that may have just been me. Amanda and I havent talked in...7 hours now. Apparently I "drive her fucking insane" at least that's what she yelled at me. I forget what I did, i know it was nothing concerning her but apparently it bugged her and she felt the need to tell me just how much i make her crazy...after about 5 seconds of listening to her say"i admit it okay, you drive me fucking crazy, my god" I interrupted her, said" well believe me sweetie, the feeling is mutual" and continued to drive home with her in the passenger seat fiddling with the radio. She is sleeping on the couch right now...works for me. Shortly after our getting home, my mom realized we are not talking, asked if I was 4 again and took Amanda's side. Later she asked me to come outside to talk and said she has no idea what's wrong with me lately, I'm miserable and making everyone around me miserable, everyone gives up on me cause I'm going nowhere and I shut everyone out. Somehow the shutting people out thing came up cause jeff told her that I didn't go to the movies with Sonny when he asked. Anyway, she brought up florida and told me again and again how she is not supportive of me wanting to go, she still does not want me to go and says if after this long Alex wont come here I shouldnt go there. I opened up that can when she said "why do you have to go there, why cant he come here to see you" and i snapped" cause he's not going to come here, i've tried". Which only proves her point and made me feel bad for saying....so I spent that whole conversation crying..and crying some more...and more... then i took a shower, where i also cried the whole time, mostly thinking about my florida dilemma and how i want to be there but really wish alex would come here even though he won't. Too many tears... After i dried and straightened my hair, i decided to go to the station by my place and talk to Andrew. I walked up and the door was open so he told me to come in and sit down, so me and him and...some other dude sat in our recliners watching the Osbournes. Those guys are fun...I cant wait to run with them someday when i am trained at 29... |
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Yesterday my cousin's boyfriend Paul told me that I'm 18, so I should act 18 instead of 50. I think it came from a convo about pot and how I don't smoke and don't see why people do. Anyway, it got me thinking about how many people tell me I don't act 18. I get told alot that I have an old soul. Or that I'm very wise for my age. I get along better with adults more than people my age...I prefer adults more than people my own age, actually. Maybe I just haven't met the right people my age? The ones I know are the ones that go out and get drunk whenever they can. Or get stoned before work, or the ones that say"hey someone put up a new road sign, let's tag it!" The only people my age I know enjoy getting fucked up, and fucking up. They don't take anything seriously and don't have any consideration. I know, I know, we're young we should be enjoying ourselves before we have families and jobs and bigger responsibility. But the kind of enjoying I see around here just seems pointless to me. I was thinking about last June at our graduation practice. This teacher, Ms. Mohn, was in charge of the whole graduation-seating assignments, the music we walk to, the order we walk in...etc. Well she was the senior teacher and since I didn't go to the school, I didn't have her, i had my independent studies teacher. I had heard Ms.Mohn was great though. Well on the first day of practice she was doing roll call and called my name so i said "here" and raised my hand. She said "oh hi, i've never met you before!" and went on with the practice. At the end of the day i was leaving and my I.S teacher came up and said "I want to thank you" of course i wondered why. She said"all of my students sitting in there, are screwing around and embarassing me. They are rude, yelling, throwing things, and proving why the independent studies kids should not get to graduate with Hamilton. But Ms. Mohn came up to me and asked 'is Megan your student?' and I said yes. She touched my shoulder and goes 'I can't explain it, but there is something about that girl. She has such a way about her. Her posture, her personality. She is incredibly mature and respectful and she seems very very wise. I really wish I had the honor of having her as a student'" I wanted to cry.She didn't even know me and just said all of this. My teacher almost cried too as she thanked me again and again and told me Ms. Mohn is right. It felt so good to hear that, I never knew someone could be so intuitive about another person without ever speaking to them. Ms.Mohn came up to me after our graduation and told me how much she wished she had me before I graduated and was just really sweet. I wished I had her as a teacher,too. I get told alot by older people that I'm very wise for my age. Normally hearing someone say "Megan you should act your age, lighten up" would bother me...but I'm happy being 50!! I do have fun, I do loosen up, and I do get crazy lol. But I'm also safe, capable of having a mature conversation and I know more about life and people than most my age. I don't care anymore if people tell me I'm a prude for not drinking or stealing a road sign with them...I like how I am...I'm happy to say I have an old soul. I do have an eternity of learning to do, as well as growing up. But I would say I'm doing okay for myself so far, and I'm actually happy..=)
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I really need one of these other jobs to come through. At this rate I'm never going to move out, and that's bad. I'm getting to the point where I am not considering my parents to be my friends like they used to be and it's driving me crazy. I don't like being here anymore. It's not bad, I've got it made here and have no reason to complain, I'm just tired of the constant arguments or insults at me. It's only gotten worse with Amanda here. Nothing against her at all..its just that her and my parents are best friends. I'm just the person they have serve their drinks or clean up after them. It was never like that, I was friends with my parents..now I'm slowly becoming the screw-up kid that's never going to leave. I hate feeling like I dont even belong here. I hate that if i dont find something funny i hear"god forbid you laugh once in a while" or "you're right that would be fun and we all know how much you hate that" from Amanda....did anyone ever stop to think I was fun before they started beating me down with insults or making me doubt myself. I dunno, I'm just being sensitive about it. I just want to get out of here for a while so badly that every little thing is making me crazy. The only time i'm not on pins and needles is when im talking to Kat or Alex cause I always relax with them. I feel like a person instead of a punching bag..which is a good feeling. A really good feeling...
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Amanda is kind of sad since today we are taking Ellie down to temecula so this lady can sell her...it's her second time dropping ellie off with someone so she can be sold and it was not easy the first time, and now she has to do it again. Now I'm sad because yesterday when we were riding, we realized amanda leaves the week after next. With no plans of coming back. Granted, she didnt plan on it the first time she left but the whole horse issue made her come back for a little while. I didn't do so well when she left the first time. She's been my best friend for 14 years, we've done everything together, gone through some tough shit together, gotten in trouble together, worked together, totally grew up together. I remember the day I said goodbye to her in 2005, after she left I went inside and the song Good Riddance by Greenday came on. Which made me hysterical for hours because that was our song. We said we wanted that played at our funerals lol. And it was just our song. Ever since then, I would cry or get really sad when I heard it. Well apparently the day she had to take all her horses down to a friends house to be sold, she heard that song and was bawling because she was giving up all of her horses which had been her whole life, and love. Well yesterday we were going to the store and that song came on the radio in the truck. She changed it so fast cause she was sad over Ellie. Then we're getting closer to the store, and Weekend in New England by Barry Manilow came on and I started crying for some reason. I'm really going to miss Amanda..again.So anyway I change the station, we get over all our sadness and when we get home I turn on the radio and Stay With Me by Josh Gracin was on, which is the song that always reminds me of Alex cause it came on every single time I would talk to him..so of course hearing it made me miss him and want to be in Florida so bad. I started tearing up hearing that song yesterday cause it's always been like this romantic song to me and I've just loved it, then once I started talking to Alex it's all I heard. Now I just want to be in Florida with him. I can't wait to go...even if it is just for a couple days. I just want to see him and spend time with him and actually talk to him in person.I won't have to say "i miss you" in person cause he will be right there. *sigh* I can't wait for May.
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The Counting Crows are the shit. I love 'em. I'm so tired right now its not even cool lol. I didn't do much, I woke up at 6, took my bro to the bus stop, got dressed and went to work with my mom and amanda, we hung out, i did a couple dogs, left mom and amanda at the shop so i could get my brother and take him back to the shop..fun stuff right? Then let's see...got home and amanda and I went riding, cleaned pens and took a shower. Now I'm like wiped out..and having odd pains in my tummy. Strange. Anyway yeah I hope I wake up some, i hate being sleepy during the day. I have a new big brother! lol my friend Sonny from high school who is...1 or 2 years older than me is working for my stepdad now so he is here every morning at 7 to go to work with my dad, then hangs out at night when they get home. My mom wants to adopt him lol. She gets all sad if he doesn't stay for dinner, it's pretty funny. It's nice having a couple more people at the house all the time.My brother enjoys it, he has someone to skateboard with every night. It's pretty cute lol. This lady from Equine.com called me today about my ad I put out for Bali so I had her mark Bali as "sold" so nobody will call on her. I totally changed my mind about selling her. She's far too cute and fun for me to get rid of.Cabo on the other hand needs a home. Someone who will use him cause I've kinda given up trying to train him, he's pretty impossible and stubborn as a mule. He needs to go somewhere where he can be in a big field or pasture with other horses all the time. He would love that. I would love that. Ah my Bob..... I have work down the hill tomorrow. I don't miss waking up early. I mean I always wake up at like 6 but it seems worse when you HAVE to be up that early lol. I dunno, I am trying to get the number for Butterfield Animal Hospital in Temec. They are brand new, not open yet so I'll see how I can get in with them. that would be fun and they are right at the bottom of the hill when you get into Temecula so that's awesome. I have no idea what I'm doing with myself lately, it's crazy. I know what I want to do, but I seem to have frozen up about actually starting towards it. I guess cause before I could say "yeah im gonna be a firefighter when i turn 18 and get my license" Well I'm almost 19 and have my license and thinking "crap, I have to do it now..." It's scary. Really exciting to think about but scary at the same time. Trying to be part of a career that I am so intrigued by. Trying to BE a "fireman". I look up to them and respect them so much I have a hard time seeing myself working with them. They're amazing and I still have the thought in the back of head that I will never be good enough to be one of them. Which is the worst attitude to have ever and I'm not going to stop myself just cause I'm a little doubtful, I just need to get past it, that's all...Easier said than done sometimes? |
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I wish I were satisified with myself. Like..happy with who I am, how I look, all that. I am now more than I used to be but I still hate looking in the mirror in the morning. I hate that I pile makeup on everyday no matter what I'm doing or where I'm going. And I keep putting it on throughout the day cause god forbid someone sees what I look like naturally. I hate how curly my hair is and how it looks like a total afro unless I spend over an hour fixing it. I'm terrified to be in a relationship or live with someone cause I wouldnt be able to "fix myself" before they saw me anymore...Insecurity is a total bitch.
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Yesterday when I took Bali out, we were riding through the field to go to John's arena and the most beautiful hawk was sitting on this rock next to us. It flew over me and landed on a different rock a little further away. He was gorgeous, it was so cool. We also saw a coyote in the same field. As common as they are, it's weird to just see them...it's not like we're uninhabited around here, there are alot of houses and such. Lots of activity. It makes me sad though. All these new homes that are coming in are.. invading the wildlife, if you will. I know since i live here it's kind of hypocritical of me but my house has been here for over 20 years...there was nobody really around when we moved here.Now even our community is turning into suburbia with all the orange county people moving up here and taking everything over.It sucks. The spot behind my house, by my back road i take to the lake, is still empty. There is a house like at the top that meets the front road but other than that it's still the coyotes' home. Pretty neat. I so want to work with wildlife someday. That would be amazing. At least one day help educate people about nature and the animals.I was thinking about it this morning when i was playing with Cabo. He's a wild mustang and as much as i would love for him to be able to be wild again, people make it impossible. The adoption program from BLM is the greatest thing to happen to the mustangs and wild burros. In alot of areas, there are so many wild horses and burros that the area is considered "over populated" so they have annual round-ups to adopt out the animals. Alot of people that adopt them keep them wild and just have them on their own land. Others work to domesticate and gentle the animals so they can be used to riding or work. In almost every case, the animal has a wonderful home whether its kept wild or made into a domestic animal. In our case Cabo became domestic. Not entirely though...he has the most amazing spirit and personality and can go crazy in a split second lol. You just have to know when to keep your distance and know how to keep yourself out of harm. I know both thank goodness. But back to what i was saying...in..Nevada i think it was, this one area was so over populated with wild horses and burros that instead of doing a round up for adoption or relocation, they killed them. They did it from the air. They shot them, and the ones they didnt shoot, they ran off the cliffs. It's sad and makes me sick how heartless some people can be. Animals are living creatures just like we are..when did we get it in our heads that they are less than us. Or that it's okay to harm them or kill them when we feel like it? I hate people sometimes- how narrow minded and ignorant we are.....and it's only getting worse. Scary huh?
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AAhhhh guys have it so easy!! I can't wait to go on birth control, this monthly stuff is killing me. I couldnt even finish taking a shower last night cause I couldn't stand up anymore. It's always lovely when you're walking and you get a twinge of pain so bad you drop to your knees....last night was terrible.I'm finally feeling a little better today, not as sick to my stomach from pain which is always nice! I went outside earlier and Bali had her leg twisted through her corral panel. That scared the hell out of me. I went down there and had to bend her leg and foot a million ways to get it unstuck and back through the bars without breaking it. So scary. Then I come back outside later and she did it again. I stayed down there and she keeps trying to get her feet through the bars. If she wasn't doing that she was laying down so we figured maybe she was having some mild colic. I walked her out and made her bran and oil, she didnt want to eat it but i put her back and cleaned her pen out, now shes eating and is fine. I don't get her. At least with Cabo you always know when he's sick or having a problem...Bali is just kinda weird. Oh well, so far she's fine so I'm glad for that. |
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I figured I would write some stuff real quick in here while I'm waiting for my mom to get home. Amanda and I are going out to an....early dinner at Temecula Pizza Co. So yummy =) Anyway I've been so tired all day, I didn't sleep well at all. Better than I have the past like week or so but still. Lately I've been up thinking about a certain problem, worrying and coming up with every "worst case scenario" possible, and totally scaring myself. Last night I hardly thought about that problem itself. I was thinking about how for the past week and half, it's killed me keeping those thoughts secret. Mostly from Alex....god i hated talking to him and trying to sound fine and good. I'm never good at pretending but I think I did okay. I was soo scared that if he found out he would be so disappointed or give up on me completely and think i'm too much drama.I know that the problem may not be what people are thinking, but still... I don't know. For the past two years I've known him, I have told him everything. I can't keep stuff from him. I'm like...cursed with being honest to him lol. I like it that way though, I finally met someone I feel good telling things to. I'm not afraid to be myself to him or tell him how the Dawson's Creek song made me cry lol. All the silly things. He never says it dumb. He usually comes back with something silly of his own lol Anyway so yeah I was going back and forth in my head forever wondering if i should tell him. I wanted to talk to him and only him about it cause like I said he's the one person I'm not afraid to talk to. But this was different. I don't think of Alex as just a friend. He's like....as close to a boyfriend as possible without actually being mine. That's why I wasnt sure if i should come to him with something like this. Buut I did and I'm glad I did. Cause as usual he was amazing about it.I cried when he wrote me back saying what he did. I didn't expect him to be so understanding and it made me miss him like a million times more. I hate being this far from him. I mean if he were capable of screwing up once in a while I might be okay with it ;) But it's so hard. I don't want to be in California all unhappy and feeling like something is missing anymore. I want to go to Florida and be with that something that's missing. I guess I will someday. Not as soon as I want but I've waited this long right.... My mom said this morning "you know i'm not comfortable with you flying over there to see him. He should come here, it would be safer and make him look better" Why does everyone tell me he has to come here. Why is it always the guy that has to make the first move. It's rediculous. If I want him and he wants me then I'll be the one to make it happen. I would never want him to stop what he is doing for me which is why I'm going there. Regardless of my mom not wanting me to, or people saying it's not smart. You only live once, why not fly 3000 miles to meet that guy off the internet? lol
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K so I just got done making dinner for the family and then doing dishes, and I'm like pumped. I think i'm on a housewife high or something.Fuck Prozac, gimme Dawn. Anyhow, Bali was crazy today it was pretty fun. I tried to show my mom how well she was jumping and she decided it would be more fun to step on the jumps, then rear and run around in circles. I think I get a better workout than the horse most of the time, just trying to control her and stay on. It's alot of fun though. I was going to try riding her to the lake again(every other time has been a nightmare) but the guys at the station were having some sort of..evaluation i guess. County was there and the guys were testing the tones, equipment, sirens, horn...yadda yadda. I figured that was a good way to get my ass thrown off Bali by taking her there so we went home lol She's like my "man's best friend" we get back, I unsaddle her, take her over and hose her legs off then i'm drinking from the hose right? And I see this fuzzy nose coming at my face, and she rests her face against mine and starts lipping the hose so i gave it to her and she put the nozzle in her mouth and started drinking lol. It was so cute =) I went to my mom's shop today to help out, the first dog we had was psycho, he scratched up my arms cause he would flip out when you touched his feet lol. He had us both on the floor, cut up and shit. It was really funny though lol. I ended up getting a Monster and going home so I could get the kids from the bus stop. Totally forgot gas and now i'm ALMOST sure i have enough to even get to a gas station lol Niice.
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So today was my first day at Moondoggies all by myself! It was sooo weird being there without my mom, shes been there everyday i have for the whole year and a half we worked there lol. My boss asked my mom to come back one day a week and my mom agreed, so my boss is pretty happy to have us back...at least for a little while. I stopped at Starbucks on the way home and got a green tea frapp, i was having starbucks withdrawl...not pretty lol I got home around 3, i was so wiped out. I think i only slept an hour last night and I did 13 dogs at work, not counting my boss' shepherd so really I had 14. Which is not much for me there, but sure felt like it after no sleep! Amanda was wiped out too, she had to help my mom at her shop and i guess they had bad dogs-amanda is over dogs now lol. So we mustered up the energy to change and take Bali and Ellie out. Bali was soo good, we did some more jumping today, it was alot of fun! I wish i still had my english tack, i could test her out on some higher jumps then. Its hard in western tack. So far the past few days ive been doing 1 and 1.5 foot jumps just to see what she does. I think if I ride her bareback i could get her higher.It's been a blast though, I love my girl! Now I just have to get her to like the lake so we can go swimming =)
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Hm today was fun. I woke up all by myself, amanda went to work with my mom. So i hung out at home and cleaned and such, then rode Bali. It was hot out so i didnt work her too hard but we did some jumping which we also did yesterday evening. She gets really into it, it's alot of fun. I have jumps set up all over the arena now lol Then when we got home I gave her a bath..and she gave me one too. she loves to take the hose out of my hand and got me all wet lol It was fun. So i did that then cleaned up the horse area and went to pick james up, ran errands for my mom. I even bought cigarettes for her...I felt so weird buying them lol This old guy in the store goes"a young lady like you smoking them things?!" He didnt believe me when i said they werent for me lol So i got back and chilled. Lindsey came over so we all hung out and she told us about her day at the hospital. she's an EMT student and was training today. Crazy stuff. Then Stevie came by so I could see his new toy. I love it. And it rides so nice, I definately want a Titan...then again I would take any truck over my little putt-putt minivan that sounds like it's gonna die soon lol. Then when stevie and I got back from testing out the truck my stepdad was home with Sonny. So there were people everywhere lol. It was fun though. I can't wait to go to work tomorrow. I hate the job and Alex is right, it's bullshit. Buuut it's money..and I need it if I'm gonna go to florida next month. Which WILL happen, i really don't want to wait much longer. If I could, i would be there a month ago. It's killing me being here still, I just wanna go be with him already. Even if it is only a few days, I just miss him alot :/
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It was supposed to be a nice day, and I was really hoping it would stay that way cause Amanda and I didnt get to ride yesterday, but it is sooo windy out, it's miserable. Hopefully it will die down enough in a little bit. For now we're all just hanging out and talking about quite possibly the most random shit ever...and whales. Lots of talk about whales. I don't know why to be honest.... Yesterday was fun, the family went to my cousin Hannah and her boyfriend Paul's new house in Temecula for a brunch/get together.My aunt and uncle were there(hannah's parents. It was so nice to see them, they are so fun. My uncle Dana is the biggest smartass you will ever meet, he makes family gatherings fun. Especially around Christmas when we have to see my mom's other sister and brother. The most dysfunctional, pushy christians on earth. Dana always has something inappropriate to say to lighten the mood,he makes it tolerable at least. But yeah it was nice. Although we are all shocked at the house. Its in this "master planned community" that looks like something that should be in Stepford Wives. Each house is this three story townhouse looking thing, very small. Every like 4th house is the same model,and they are all 3 feet apart.There is a pool for the community, and this huge lake and everything is entirely too..."perfect" looking. It's kinda creepy lol.and they paid soo much for it, I can't believe it. All of those houses are at least half a million dollars,and you don't get what you pay for. Buut I'm happy for them! They are so cute. Today I'm just trying to function. I didn't sleep well at all, and kept waking up cause i couldnt breathe, I'm getting sick so my face is all stuffy lol. It sucked.So needless to say I finally fell out of bed at like 10 to wake up to the wind which is keeping me in the house whether I like it or not. Oh bother...
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crushed
sleepy
chipper
hopeful
calm
bored
bouncy
sick